Influence

Listening is a tool which can give you influence over others in your life. It can give you the power to get people to be influenced by your opinions and ways, and to get them to do things you want.

Influence is all about getting people to think of you when you are not around - that's the simple difference between persuasion and influence: persuasion happens when you're there and influence occurs when you're not there. Once you have someone thinking of you when you are not there, then you can be sure that they are now under your influence. Hence the term "living rent free in their head" has some genuine psychological backing to it.

Now here is where good listening skills can help you gain influence over someone: it builds connection. This is the same connection that's used for developing relationships with others that you care about and like, however the big difference when your main motive is influence is that you're building strategic connections. You are building a connection with someone who you don't necessarily agree with or maybe don't like, but you need to build a relationship with them in order for them to do something that benefits you.

This is something we all face in our everyday lives: that annoying neighbour who refuses to take our packages in, the belligerent customer who didn't read the proposal correctly, or the cantankerous boss who won't see your point of view. The list goes on. These are the people you can't avoid and more importantly you can’t change. But you can influence them. And the key to that influence? Listening. Listening has the most profound effect to influence people, and has been shown to work even in the most unlikely of scenarios.

In the 19080’s, a Black American blues musician named Daryl Davis did something remarkable. Despite experiencing brutal racism as a child, he made it his mission to sit down and listen to members of the Ku Klux Klan. He made it his goal to go out and talk to people who would happily see him dead. Daryl didn't agree with what these people believed. But he was convinced that if he took time to listen to them and ask questions, he could influence them to change their minds.

One such person Daryl sort to speak to was Roger Kelly - The Grand Dragon of the KKK in Maryland. Roger was a man who believed that races should be kept separate, who believed people like Daryl should be segregated in society. But this didn't stop Daryl from speaking to him. In fact, Daryl would take time out to visit Roger at KKK rallies; he would genuinely listen to him and make him feel heard. Daryl deployed what's called tactical empathy - not agreeing with someone’s valves or opinions, but showing you recognise their perspective. As Daryl said: "I didn't respect what he said, but I did respect his right to say it." This wasn't weakness. It was strategic. This sign of tactical empathy meant that Roger felt he was heard. Roger stated: "At least he respects me enough to sit down and listen to me." And this had more of an impact on changing Rogers’ beliefs than any argument anyone could throw his way. The result of Daryl's listening was that he got influence over Roger - Roger would have Daryl in his mind when he wasn't there, and over time this led Roger to question his own beliefs enough that he eventually quit the KKK and even sent Daryl his robe and hood - a symbolic gesture of the power Daryl's listening had on influencing Roger.

Over 200 KKK members left the organisation after conversations with Daryl Davis. Two hundred people who changed their minds - not because Daryl argued with them or lectured them, but because he listened strategically.

But Daryl didn't just listen passively. He guided the conversation with carefully chosen questions.

When using listening to influence an adversary, you must, as Daryl did, show the other person that you are listening to them - make them feel heard. Making someone feel heard is the best route to building a connection with them, but you can also guide them toward your way of thinking by asking guided questions. These are questions that guide the other person to your answer, making them arrive at your conclusion through their own reasoning. Daryl deployed this technique masterfully with KKK members, asking them a simple but devastating question: "How can you hate me when you don't even know me?"

This question forced them to confront a contradiction in their own thinking. They claimed to hate him. But they'd never met him before in their lives. The cognitive dissonance was unbearable, and the only conclusion they could reach was Daryl's: "I can't hate you. I don't even know you." Daryl was able to form cracks in their cemented beliefs by listening and then asking guided questions that led them to question those beliefs themselves.

So how do you actually do this in your own life?

Start by showing you're listening. This isn't just sitting quietly and nodding. It's actively demonstrating that you're processing what the other person is saying:

• Ask clarifying questions: "What makes you think that?" or "Help me understand your perspective on this."

• Mirror their language: "So what you're saying is..." and reflect their words back to them.

• Label their emotions: "It sounds like you're frustrated about..." or "You seem concerned that..."

These aren't just communication techniques - they're signals that you're taking the other person seriously. And once someone feels heard, they become open to influence.

Then, once you've established that connection, use guided questions. Not aggressive interrogation. Not gotcha questions. But questions that gently lead them to confront contradictions in their own thinking or consider your perspective through their own logic.

The annoying neighbour who won't take your packages? Listen to their concerns first - "Help me understand what worries you about taking packages in." Then guide: "If I could guarantee it would only be once a month, would that be out of the question?”

The boss who won't see your point of view? Listen to their objections - “What specifically concerns you about this approach?" Then guide: "If we could pilot this with one team first, would you be open to reviewing the results?"

The belligerent customer? Listen to what's actually bothering them beneath the surface - “Walk me through what didn't match your expectations." Then guide: "What would a successful resolution look like for you?"

So the next time you find yourself talking to someone you don't agree with, realise there's a way to influence them. Not by arguing. Not by forcing. By listening strategically, showing respect for their right to their views, and guiding them toward your conclusion through their own reasoning.

Daryl Davis proved this works in the most extreme circumstances imaginable. If he could influence KKK members to question their deeply held racist beliefs through listening, you can certainly influence that difficult person in your life to see things your way.

The question is: are you willing to listen strategically? If you'd like to discover how your current listening skills impact your ability to influence others, take The Listening Assessment. You'll get personalised feedback on where strategic listening could transform your ability to change minds and gain cooperation.

P.S. Think of one person you need to influence - that resistant colleague, difficult client, or stubborn family member. What's one question you could ask that would make them question their own position? That's where strategic listening starts.